Jumper

I wish you would come down from that ledge my friend….you could cut ties with all the lies tha you’ve been living in….”
Jumper, Third Eye Blind

And the rest of the lyrics are “and if you do not ever want to see me again, I would understand…“- I had never really understood them until I was thinking about a quote to open this post. Last night, I watched the second part of the Degrassi episode “Bittersweet Symphony.” Which detailed the the various characters learning about Campbell’s suicide. It was sad. It was brief, and it was anticlimactic. I feel as if the first part of the episode was directed with sensitivity to Cameron in mind, but the second part came from a groupthink of the other characters. There was shock, disbelief, misunderstanding, Aspergers influenced remarks and ultimately a finality. End scene. Life or death, when it comes to moving on, sometimes a Noun – a person, place or thing that we cared for, well moe times than not, they aren’t going to make it with us or be there, at the finish line.

I’ve dealt with death, and suicide a lot more than most people have in my age group. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, but to be honest, I don’t know. I know so many things about people but I don’t know that I can testify about the really dark places inside if someone doesn’t call me. I know the places I do and the places I fear of letting myself go to and I worry that involving other people in the journey would make them see me as less. Which is ironic because often times when we reach out to others it’s because we want them to see us as something more than we can see ourselves as. Does anyone.so really want to be known as the dark and twisty friend that is also known as Debbie of Daryl downer?

So I get it. I get how Maya, his girlfriend could be angry. I get how she felt that he betrayed their friendship and their bonds, and how she felt that that their friendship and relationship was something hard fought and magical. I get how she realized how she would feel without him in her life. I get th scurrying and planing of the student council. There are other things I comprehend; the list could go on. But anger at the dead is in itself ridiculous. Because a dead person with a time machine is still dead. Lodging guilt at someone overwrought with guilt is equally as ridiculous. Because the dead can’t change things.ONLY BY LIVING CAN WE TRY TO KEEP THINGS MOVING AND TRY TO KEEP THE THINGS WE LOVE TO KEEP GROWING.

The alcoholic’s anonymous pledge says things about forgiveness and I suppose that those things are true, but if there’s one thin I’ve learned in m life, it’s nothing about forgiveness. It has nothing to do with my dreams and hopes, about my brother not dying from cancer, or living happily ever after; It doesn’t matter if I have a great observation. Or I discover a new planet. What I’ve learned is that , no matter how happy or depressed I get- THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING. it is far bigger than I myself. It has often been hard to remember that through all my own personal tragedies that there are other things that kept living and that I would have missed these things – these wonderful moments and sights if I let myself give in.

The world keeps turning even if there’s an alien invasion or Miley Cyrus occupation. The world didnt end when the first nuclear bomb went off and after there were people in Nagasaki and Hiroshima who were burnt by radiation and had to keep it moving. There were nights when my brother passed away from cancer when I thought my entire life was ending. And I watched the people around him feel the same. I have days like that still. People aren’t supposed to die from incurable cancers at 26 in 2010. But they do; he did. Hardly breathing, we did. Breathe.

He probably wanted to live, but despite his will- didn’t. I posit that suicidal urges are like an incurable or returning cancer. Sometimes there’s just only so much a body can take. Most of us know that there is only a finite number to what I can I’ve given and what I can give. So, while there is a subtle difference, there are perfectly unimaginable and awful answers to “How much more can be taken from me?” And I believe that as some say it’s a god willing people taken from this life, maybe, it’s ok to accept that some people just gave it all. Some wounded animals die.

[Chester Kent]

Editing needs to done further but I speak my truth.

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